


fragile (that much he could admit)

by successsionhbo



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Anal Sex, Comfort Food, Drug Use, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, boris almost gets flattened by a bike, i re wrote my other fic and this one is better so, its about healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 03:16:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20959553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/successsionhbo/pseuds/successsionhbo
Summary: Theo has been having nightmares after his trip to antwerp.  Boris comes for a visit





	fragile (that much he could admit)

As much as Theo hoped the events in Amsterdam would fade into the recesses of his mind, it remained a sharp, broken glass memory that threatened to cut Theo whenever he attempted to forget about it. He dreamt in “what ifs” and even he was smart enough to know you should never dwell on what could have happened, but still, he dreamed. What if he spent the rest of his life in that hotel room, what if his bird had been lost forever, what if Boris hadn’t come back for him? The dreams about Boris were the worse ones, though Theo didn’t like to look too closely at that. There was one dream, in particular, that he dreamt over and over, one dream that had Theo waking up in a cold sweat every time he saw it, had him doing line after line just to not think about it anymore. What if Boris had died? And what if it was his fault?

“You will burn and you will burn out; you will be healed and come back again.  
And I will wait for you.”  
-Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

It had been six months since Antwerp, six months of loving New York more than he ever had in his life, and six months of leaving it more than he ever wanted to. He spent every weekend in a new place, buying back all his mistakes and paying for the changelings he sold in more than just money. He was tired, a bone deep tired that had him passing out in airports and in the back of taxis and in every hotel room he stayed in, even if the covers were itchy and the bed squeaked.

The dreams had started almost as soon as he got back home. One day, after he had been back for about a week, he fell asleep in the shop- which was unlike him in the first place- and he had woken up to Hobie’s hand, a firm pressure on his shoulder.

“You were yelling, Theo” Hobie said, concern lacing his expression.

He felt disoriented, confused as to why he was in the shop, why he was asleep. Theo looked up at Hobie from where he had fallen asleep at the desk.

“C’mon, you should get some real rest, you’re probably still jet-lagged from your flight”

“Yeah, yeah you’re probably right” Theo said, happy to take the reason Hobie had given him, although he knew that Hobie didn’t believe him.

Theo walked around the desk to the front door, where he flipped the sign to “closed”, and glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. 4:32 pm. Jesus Christ. Theo followed Hobie up to the apartment and declined his offer to make him food, managing to only feel slightly guilty. The guilt came from knowing he was going to do a line instead of have a meal.

He sat down on his bed, crushing up the pill, trying to think of what he had been dreaming about. It wasn’t clear and the harder he thought about it the more it slipped into a fog. He didn’t forget for long, though. He woke up next at 11:56 pm, sweat soaking the sheets under him, again not remembering when he fell asleep, but now the dream was at the forefront of his mind. There was definitely a gun and blood, but he didn’t know who they belonged to. Theo’s breathe caught on his inhale, causing him to cough. He got up, ignoring his shaking and padded into the kitchen to down a glass of water. His mouth felt like sandpaper and he wondered if he had been yelling again. At least he didn’t wake Hobie this time.

He fell into a pattern of skipping meals and sleeping too much only to be woken up by his heart beating hard enough to be the only thing he could hear. It was a disorienting habit, he was high most of the time which caused the edges of his reality to blur, he simultaneously was sleep deprived and slept too much and the combination of it all was becoming too much. His weekend trips were starting to blur together, time collapsed in on itself. He confused his trip to Chicago with the one to Quebec with the one to Paris. For months on end, he went on like this. His cheeks grew sallow, and the spaces between his ribs grew deeper. He felt 14 again.

He had just gotten back from a trip to London and he was leaning on the kitchen counter with a mug in his hands when Hobie walked in from his workshop. He smelt like cedar and his hands had splashes of a cherry red stain on them. Theo let some of the tension in his shoulders go, feeling a slight relief at the sight of Hobie. In the past few months Theo had been more and more willing to admit to himself how much comfort he took in Hobie’s familiar presence. He was probably the one person who had been in his life the longest and had the most consistent and calming demeanor, which Theo appreciated but couldn’t bring himself to ever tell him that. 

Hobie walked over to the sink to wash his hand, using a bar soap that smelled like patchouli and pine, the same one from when Theo was a kid. Hobie cleared his throat, which was his way of letting Theo know he was about to say something that might upset him (which never happened, it was pretty much impossible to be upset with anything Hobie said to him, because Hobie never said anything to upset him). It was the same thing he did before he told Theo it was inappropriate give Pippa that gift, when he asked Theo if he wanted a therapist, and that one time when he was younger when he asked him if he had been in the liquor cabinet.

“I think you should consider taking a week or two off, Theo’ Hobie started saying, “you’ve been exhausted and I hear you up every night at all kinds of strange hours and I- ‘ He sighed “I really am worried about you. Ever since that trip you took with that young man, you’ve seemed very… detached and so jumpy. I just want you to get some rest” he finished.

Theo was looking into the milky depths of his coffee mug, still processing the words that Hobie said to him. It took him an alarming amount of time to think of what to say. Should he take the time off? No, what good would that do, he still hadn’t finished buying back all of the changelings. He made a compromise with himself, he would cut back on the drugs but he wouldn’t take the time off. Yeah, he could do that.

“I’m okay Hobie, I’ve just been having a hard time staying asleep”

“I know that Theo, but it seems like it might be a little bit more than that” Hobie said. 

He looked at Theo like he knew everything that Theo was trying to hide, and Theo was trying to find the pity or anger or hate in his gaze but the only thing he saw was empathy. Theo felt his throat twist into a knot and he suddenly found it very hard to form words, his eyes were threatening to start watering. What was wrong with him? Hobie had simply offered him time off and some empathy for something that he didn’t even know about. Theo tried to convince himself that Hobie wouldn’t be so sympathetic if he knew what Theo had done but he knew it wasn’t true. Theo tried to clear his throat.

“Really I’m alright” he whispered, not even convincing himself. But Hobie let him get away with it.

“Okay Theo. But please just ask for the time when you need it” Hobie reached up and pressed a weathered hand to Theo’s wrist, holding it for a second before letting go and walking out. Theo had a very strong feeling that this was the last time that Hobie was going to let him get away with running away from whatever the hell it was that he was feeling.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theo went to bed early that night. He kept the compromise to himself and skipped his daily, before bed line but he also knew that if he found himself up at some strange hour his resolve wouldn’t be as strong. So he shoved the baggie of pills to the back of his closet, but not before he counted the remaining ones. Nine. There were nine pills left. Normally he would text his dealer when he got this low, but he figured what’s the point, he is supposed to be cutting back anyway.

Theo stripped out of his clothes. It was winter in New York again and he had been pulling on thick sweaters day after day, so when he was dressed no one could really tell how thin he had gotten. But now, as Theo stared at himself in the mirror, he wondered how he let himself get like this. His hip bones jutted out, he could easily count his ribs, his collar bones were so hollow he could grab them. He wondered how he still wasn’t hungry. He thought maybe he was, but it wasn’t for food. And that would mean that he wanted something and Theo spent his whole life trying not to want anything, holding on to a child-like superstition that his desire had the magical power of destruction, and anything he wanted would be crushed under that want. Maybe if he knew what he wanted, he could tiptoe around it, stare at it, but never get too close. He could spare it from his demolition, a sole survivor of his desire.

He laid down in his bed, more thankful than ever for the endless collection of blankets that Hobie has, nesting into the covers. The weight loss had an additional side effect of making him feel frozen most of the time. That was why he was shaking. Because of the cold. It couldn’t be because of the drugs, Theo told himself, because he used to do a lot more than what he’d been doing the past six months. But maybe he underestimated how much he was taking, he swore it was only one line before bed but the more he thought about it the more he remembered doing. A line before work in the morning, one after a flight, another instead of dinner. When was the last time he ate a real meal? God, he was in a worse way than he thought.

Theo stared at the ceiling, scared to go to sleep. It all at once became aware to him how fragile he was, and not just physically. He almost cried in front of Hobie and why? Because he had offered him time off? No. It didn’t take Theo long to understand that it was the care that Hobie showed him that had gotten him choked up. It had been so long since he had let anyone take care of him. Theo wondered how something that was supposed to be good could make him feel so paper thin. He knew it was his fault but it felt easier to rely on himself than to open up to the possibility of loss again. He barely let Hobie take care of him, he certainly never let Kitsey that close, now that Theo thinks of it the last time he actually let someone really take care of him was probably Boris. He wondered where Boris was now, what country he was in, who he was with. Before he had left Antwerp, Boris had said to him, ‘I will keep in touch, Potter. Promise.’ He had yet to hear from him but that wasn’t out of character. Yet Theo hoped that he would call soon, or maybe send a text from a number he won’t recognize. It would be nice to hear something familiar, Theo thinks. 

He still remembers Boris cooking for him back in Vegas, the salty smell of steak filling the kitchen, Boris humming some song under his breath. Boris had also cooked for him in his apartment in Antwerp. It had been late one night and they were up watching old movies. Boris stood over the stove diligently stirring a pot full of broth and carrots and tiny bits of chicken Theo had watched him cut up. He remembered sitting on the counter, saying something stupid about whatever movie was on the TV, when Boris placed a mug full of the soup in his hands. It was hot in his palm and Boris dropped a spoon into the mug. ‘Eat.’ And Theo had. The memory made him feel warm, a pleasant sensation spreading from his core to the outside of his body. He concentrated on the memory until he stopped shaking. He fell asleep.

Theo slept better than he had in a long time, a deep full body slumber, that was great until it wasn’t. He woke up at 3:33 am. He wasn’t sweating this time, but shaking. He pulled the covers tightly around himself, like they would protect him from what he saw in his dream. Most nights, he can only remember bits and flashes, but now the whole thing played in his head like a movie on a reel of film.

He was back in the garage in Amsterdam, freezing cold, but happy, because Boris had just shown him his bird. Back, safely in a suitcase, no more worries. But there was something wrong, the suitcase was moving, a flapping noise coming from the inside and it moved slightly, like there was something in it trying to get out. Theo bent down to look at it more closely, turning his back to Boris. Theo moved to open the suitcase, to undo the latches. He pressed the button, and they opened with a soft click noise but at the same time a much louder noise reverberated off the concrete walls of the garage. It was an ear-shattering, violent sound and Theo turned back to Boris, confused, only to see that he was no longer standing behind him, but lying, crumpled on the ground. Theo crawled over to him, shaking him, trying to see what was wrong. He put a hand to his chest and he felt a thick, sticky substance. It was blood, Boris’s blood, pouring out of him at steady, unrelenting pace. Theo felt his heartbeat accelerate and raced to pull his coat off and press it to Boris’s chest. His hands were slick with blood. Theo looked at Boris’s face and saw his face go slack, saw his eyes fixate and dim. He felt his stomach drop like an anvil and he brushed his fingertips across Boris’s bottom lip, smearing blood across them. It felt so familiar, except now there was no warm breath coming from Boris’s mouth, no wicked glimmer in his eye. When he couldn’t look anymore he glanced back at the suitcase. It was open now, a dead bird lay inside. There was a chain around its leg.

What the fuck could that mean? Theo thought to himself, hearing anger in his own voice. He pulled the covers even tighter around him. Boris was alive, he had to be alive, Theo would know if he wasn’t, wouldn’t he? He wasn’t dead, he told himself this again and again, and still he felt panicked. God, he wanted a line, but more than that he wanted to feel in control for once in his life. And still, beyond that, he wanted Boris to just call him.

He had fallen back asleep after that, soothing himself with a macabre chant of “he’s not dead”. The next morning he met Hobie in the kitchen and settled into one of the chairs, nursing a cup of coffee. 

“Toast?” Hobie asked him.

Hobie had always asked Theo if he wanted any breakfast- normally it was eggs, a croissant, some fruit- but when Theo stopped eating, Hobie had changed his approach. Most days Theo declined his modest offer of toast, instead choosing to down his cup of coffee and ignore his need for nourishment, but today he felt his stomach ache.

“Okay”

If Hobie was surprised, he didn’t show it. He just smiled at Theo and turned towards the counter to make it. Hobie was clever though, he smothered the slice of bread in butter and that raspberry jam he loved, the one that he picked up every weekend at the farmer’s market in Union Square, before he handed the slice to Theo. He watched Theo take a bite, and Theo could sense the little wave of pride that Hobie was emitting. It was stupid Theo thought, everyone eats, its normal, Hobie shouldn’t be giving him so much credit for making the absolute, bare minimum effort of functioning like an adult. But it felt nice, so Theo couldn’t stay annoyed, as much as tried to.

“Oh!, this came in the mail yesterday. I got distracted with a piece and forgot about it, sorry” Hobie said to him as he reached to the side of the table and pulled a small envelope out from under an auction invitation from Sotheby’s. 

He handed the letter to Theo, who examined it. The envelope itself was a beautiful cream color, made from a thick paper stock. There was return address. Theo might have been worried that Reeve was back to threaten him again if he hadn’t recognized the handwriting, which was in all uppercase, disjointed letters, that Theo would know anywhere. It was from Boris.

He didn’t want to open it in front of Hobie, just in case he started to cry while he read, or something equally as stupid. He wasn’t sure what exact ridiculousness he was capable of in his current state, but was sure he didn’t want Hobie to see it. Yesterday was bad enough. The placed the envelope down on the table and took another bite of his toast as Hobie got up to go down to the workshop. He waited a full five minutes to pick up the envelope again, just to make sure that Hobie hadn’t forgotten something and was coming back. The paper was so nice he had a hard time picturing Boris pick it out, but then again he had been surprised by Boris’s watch too. He pushed his thumb under the fold and tore it open, pulling the notecard out. The note was only a few sentences.

Potter,

Hope you did not forget about me. I am coming to New York next month- lets go out! Or stay in, whichever. Message me.  
P.S. Tell Popchyk I am coming

Boris signed it with a heart and a phone number.

Theo felt his heart breath a sigh of relief at the sight of a phone number. No more midnight panic about not knowing whether Boris is alive or not. The note was postmarked a week ago, which meant the Theo was going to have to wait three more weeks to see Boris, but that was fine, he had waited this long anyway. Besides, he had a trip this weekend and the next. He wondered if Boris was planning on staying with him. It would be stupid for Boris to spend the money on a hotel. Theo guessed he could afford it, but still. It was impractical, a nightmare to find a hotel room in the city even a month in advance. Maybe he’ll text Boris and tell him that he can crash on the couch. It would be nice to have him close anyway, just so they wouldn’t have to drive to each other. That was it, just convenience. 

Theo went back to his room with the note and placed it on his nightstand next to his phone. Popchyk was curled up in a little ball on his bed. Theo bent over to pet him.

“You know who’s coming Popchyk?” Theo watched his ears perk up “Boris!” 

At the mention of Boris’s name, Popchyk’s tail starts waving wildly back and forth. Little dog always did like him more than Theo. He fed him the last bite of his toast and then turned to the mirror above his dresser. He peeled his robe off to get dressed, but stopped when he saw himself in the mirror. He knew he looked bad when he saw himself last night. Too skinny, too dull, all skin and bones, but now Boris was going to see him like this. He didn’t want Boris to see him like this. He felt embarrassed by his inability to cope and by how it manifested in his life. And he looked bad. He knew that Boris would immediately notice and do something annoying like ask him what was wrong and Theo would have to come up with some kind of bullshit excuse because there was no way he was telling Boris the truth. What would he even say? “Oh yeah, I’ve been having nightmares about Amsterdam that keep me up and make me lose my appetite so I’ve been doing so much coke I barely eat and all I’ve been doing is thinking in what ifs and trying not to cry. And by the way the nightmares about you.” Yeah fucking right, he’d rather die. He was just going to say he had pneumonia or something, but he’s fine now. Theo took one last look at his body before pulling a sweater on. He thought maybe he could put on a few pounds before Boris came, but the thought of eating that much made him feel queasy. He grabbed Popchyk off his bed and went downstairs to open the shop for the day, thinking of what he was going to message Boris that night.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day wound up being pretty busy, Theo made four sales and a young woman came in to see if the antique bookcase she inherited from her great aunt could be restored. Hobie talked with her for probably an hour and after she left they closed for the day. Theo had been glad for the distraction of work because he felt an urge to dig the pills out of the back of his closet. He’d be fine in a few days, he just needed to grit his teeth and get through them. He told Hobie he was going to take a shower and walked down the hall to the bathroom. He was hoping that the hot water would distract him from the craving. He spent about a half hour in the shower and when he got out he heard Hobie on the phone.

“I’m not sure…I want to see you of course but-” Hobie paused and then laughed, ”Okay, okay. I guess I have to. I will see you then. Love you...Bye”

Theo rounded the corner and watched Hobie hang up the phone, he looked happy.

“What’s going on there?” Theo nodded to the phone

“It seems I am going to London” Hobie said. “Pippa said she got tickets to a play I had told her that I wanted to see and she is insisting that I come visit her so”

Theo was surprised, Hobie never really went anywhere, outside of work.

“That’s great” Theo said.

“I figure I am getting too old to not take advantage of these opportunities. I don’t think I’ve been to as many places as you, Theo, and I’m twice your age!”

“When are you going?”

“The end of the month.” He seemed excited to be doing something for himself for once.

“That’s really great Hobie, I’m glad” and Theo was. It was nice to see Hobie do something that he wanted to.

They ate dinner together. Or rather, Hobie ate dinner and Theo had a few bites of his and pushed the rest around the plate. Theo stayed up with Hobie to watch a rerun of F is for Fake on HBO before he went to bed. Partly because he wanted to see it and partly because he didn’t really trust himself to have too much time by himself, knowing that he would probably crush up a pill if he had too much time on his hands. By the time the documentaries over, Theo’s pretty much exhausted and he heads to his room only to remember that he should text Boris that he got his letter. He also realized then that Hobie’s trip lined up with Boris’s visit. He’ll tell Boris that he can stay with him if he wants to, just to give him the option. He quickly typed up a message, not reading it too closely because he can barely keep his eyes open and pressed send. He scooped Popchyk up and put him on the bed and promptly passed out, thankful for the exhaustion because that meant he wasn’t going to spend hours tossing and turning and thinking about that dream.

The next time he woke up it was 8:43 am. The morning. He had slept through the whole night for the first time in what had to be three months. It felt good. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand to check it and saw that he had a text from the number Boris had given him and he swiped it open. He read his own message first:

Got ur letter, popchyk is happy ur coming. Stay with me? Hobie will be in LDN 

And Boris’s reply:

I am happy I am coming too Popchyk! Of course I will stay w u Potter, where else would I go!! See u in 2 weeks <3

Theo was sweating. It sounded like he was asking Boris to stay with him, not just offering like he meant to. He thought about texting Boris as much, but it was already done now, right? It’s better to focus on the good, seeing Boris will be fun, he was...excited? Maybe anxious was the word, he didn’t know, but either way the thought of having a semblance of a social life- even for a week- was a nice thought. Theo tried not to think about anything else when he got dressed and just focused on the task. He pulled his pants on and grabbed his phone and Boris’s letter from off his nightstand, without thinking, and shoved them in his pocket as he headed down for work.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The week went by quickly. Theo and Hobie went to an auction upstate, the shop was busy, and Theo spent the weekend in Miami buying back two of Hobie’s changelings. There were definitely worse places to spend the weekend, but the hot weather didn’t suit Theo. He felt clammy and uncomfortable the whole time, he longed to get back to New York, the weekend slowly drifting by. He got back home Sunday night, exhausted from the flight and wanting more than anything some sleep. He had the nightmare every night that week besides the miraculous one where his brain let him go unterrorized for one night. He was still committed to cutting back his drug intake, but he did take four more of his remaining pills that week. It was way better than what he had been doing, but he knew it was bad, even as he dug around in the back of his closet for the baggie when he got home from the airport. Theo had somehow managed to convince himself that doing a line before he went to sleep helped him stay asleep, despite the fact that he had only slept completely through the night about eight times in the past seven months and each of those nights he was sober (well, maybe one or two nights he was a little tipsy but). Theo found the bag and quickly swallowed the pill, not bothering to crush it up. He would be up for another hour at least anyway.

He set about getting ready for bed and putting away everything that he had packed in his suitcase, including Boris’s letter, which he placed on his nightstand. Theo wasn’t sure why he had brought it with him to Florida, but when he had found it in his suitcase, he read it both nights he was there. He was reading it now, laying in bed, going over each word, each letter, Boris wrote. Theo thought maybe if he read it enough times, he might be able to understand his dream, which he was aware was batshit crazy, but he couldn’t help it. He was desperate to understand why he was having the same dream about Boris over and over again, why he was thinking about it when he was awake. He fell asleep clutching the paper in his fist.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hobie left Saturday morning that week. Theo woke up early so he could say goodbye to him and help him get his bag into the car that was driving him to the airport. Before Hobie got into the car he- surprisingly- gave Theo a hug. It was short and a little awkward but it made Theo smile.

“Don’t forget to eat, Theo” Hobie said.

“I won’t” Theo promised. He was trying to remember to eat now, instead of just ignoring that he needed to.

Theo went back inside and attempted to tidy up a bit. Hobie and him had agreed to close the shop while he was in London for the week, which would mean that this would be the longest the shop had been closed since Theo started working there. He was grateful he didn’t have to worry about the shop for a little though. Boris would be coming tomorrow night and staying until Friday and Theo’d rather not leave him in the apartment all day with just Popchyk for company. Not that Theo thought all Boris was going to do was hang around with him the whole time he was here, but still. 

Hobie had told him that it was okay if Boris used his room, so Theo was changing the sheets. He wondered if it was even necessary, maybe Boris would just insist on passing out in Theo’s bed like when they were kids. God, that’d be annoying, Theo thought, but continued to think about it for another hour or so. It didn’t matter because they weren’t kids anymore and Boris would want his own bed and Theo didn’t want to share anyway. He was getting used to sleeping alone and he didn’t want to keep him up with his nightmare.

Theo padded into the kitchen, intending to make good on his promise to Hobie. He still wasn’t eating regularly but he figured he could warm up some leftovers and eat a few bites. Upon opening the fridge he found several containers full of food, enough for probably a couple of days. Theo felt his heart physically warm at the sight of the containers stacked in the fridge. He had no idea when Hobie had the time to cook so much, but there was a little note on top of them that just read “eat”. Theo did. He put some rice and broccoli into a bowl and threw it into the microwave to warm it up. He ate in his room, starting to succumb to the swell of anxiety that he had felt all that day. He felt a little too exposed in the kitchen, with no door to close. 

Theo wasn’t sure why he was feeling so anxious about Boris coming. He thought it might be because he has never seen where Theo lives, he has no idea what the space Theo calls home looks like. It felt like a bad idea, do adults even have people that aren’t family over? Theo shook his head, trying to get his thoughts straight. Of course adults have friends over, stop acting weird, he told himself. It felt private, though. To Theo, at least. He realized that Kitsey never even saw his room, Pippa had never been inside it. But Boris wasn’t even here yet, and why was he thinking about him in his room anyway? Theo grabbed the letter from his nightstand again, rereading it, trying to calm his panic and strange thoughts. Just go to sleep, and Boris will be here in the morning and you won’t have to think about it anymore, he repeated to himself. Theo fell asleep with the letter in his hand, yet again.

Briefcase, bang, Boris, blood, bird. 

Theo knew the dream like the back of his hand by now. He checked the clock, 2:57 am, he got up and went to the window in his room and opened it. It was hard to find the moon in the city most nights, but tonight it shone bright and full, hanging low and meeting the skyscrapers on the city’s edge. Theo counted to ten. He went back to bed.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theo woke up to the smell of strong coffee, which would have been totally normal, if Hobie had been home, but unless something terrible happened he was still in London. So. 

Theo checked the time and then checked it again. 11:47 am. Boris’s flight got in at 9. Theo felt the panic in his chest, and flew out of bed, grabbing a robe and throwing it over himself as he went to the kitchen.

“You know, Potter, is nice place, really. But I would have liked it more if you had not forgotten about me” Boris said, looking up at him.

He was sitting in a chair at the table drinking coffee out of Theo’s favorite mug, his feet resting on the table (which vaguely annoyed Theo because the table was expensive, but he was too shocked to really say anything). Theo gaped at him.

“I don’t normally sleep in so I didn’t even- I didn’t set an alarm, I’m sorry, but also how the motherfuck did you get in” Theo said.

Boris smiled at him.

“I have my ways, Potter’

He got up and handed Theo a mug of coffee, which Theo accepted.

“I am kidding, you need your beauty rest I know”

“You didn’t break the lock, did you? Because then I need to change it before Hobie gets back”

“Jesus, Potter, I just picked it” Boris said “I would not break the old man’s door”

Boris looked him up and down, blatantly, staring at Theo’s robe. Theo tried not to blush, he knew Boris was just going to make some dumb comment about his robe.

“You look skinny, Theo, did you forget how to cook?” Boris half joked.  
That was not what Theo had expected him to say, but really he should have. Boris was always trying to feed him and it shouldn’t have surprised him that he was immediately trying to see if he was eating. Theo opened his mouth to make some excuse but Boris cut him off.

“Does not matter, I will put a few pounds on you by the end of the week,” he laughed.

Theo smiled and then suddenly remembered something.

“Wait here!” he yelled and ran out of the room. He didn’t hear what Boris said but he heard him laughing.

He went back to his room and scooped up Popchyk who was still curled up on his bed and went back to the kitchen, where Boris was now leaning on the counter.

“Popchyk!!! I missed you, you little fluffy thing!” Boris cooed at the dog, until he was basically vibrating out of Theo’s arms and onto Boris. Boris happily took him and lifted him in the air and then held him to his face.

“This is the real reason I am here Potter”

Theo laughed and turned his head towards the door, noticing Boris’s bags.

“Hey let me show you where to put your bags. Hobie said you could have his room.”

If Boris had anything to say about Theo having him stay in Hobie’s room he kept quiet about it.

“Of course.”

Boris grabbed his bags and followed Theo down the hall, passed his own room, and into Hobie’s.

“I get why you like this old man, he has good taste” Boris said, picking up an old paperweight and looking around the room. 

Hobie had excellent taste. The covers on the bed were made of crushed velvet, the furniture was antique and beautiful, and there were stacks of books and tchotchkes everywhere. It was Hobie- 100%.  
Boris looked at Theo in his robe again and placed his bags down.

“Brunch?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They wind up having brunch at this little hole-in-the-wall place a couple of blocks from the apartment. Boris basically orders the whole menu and Theo is forced to eat at least one bite of everything. He eats more in those two hours than he has in entire days. When they’re done Boris insists on paying for it.

“I have money, Boris, you don’t have to pay for all of this”

“I am your guest! I should pay for something, besides I have more money than you” Boris laughs. Theo wants to protest but honestly Boris is probably right anyway.

They take the subway down to the Brooklyn Bridge after they finish eating because Boris has never been and Theo’s never bothered to walk across it either. It’s a Sunday so it’s crowded, but not nearly as crowded as it would have been in the Summer. They start on the Brooklyn side, in Dumbo, and walk towards Lower Manhattan. It’s freezing on the bridge, the wind cuts and burns, and Theo turns the collar of his coat up to help protect his face and looks over at Boris. He knows Boris hates the cold but he almost couldn’t tell looking at Boris now. He was smiling and glancing over at Theo, his hands shoved into his pockets.

“Cold?” Theo asked

“Fucking freezing-cannot believe you are making me do this Potter” Boris teased

“Oh I wanted to do this?! You’re the one that said walking across the bridge would be fun! I live here I can do this anytime”

Boris laughed at Theo as he continued his diatribe and started walking into the bike lane. Theo stopped complaining when he heard someone’s bike bell and remembered that Boris had no idea what the bell meant or even that he was walking in the bike lane. The bikers don’t stop, they never do. Theo grabs Boris’s hand, just in time for a biker to go rushing by yelling at Boris to “get out of the fucking bike lane, moron!” Theo looked down at Boris and smiled.

“The bikers don’t stop”

“You could have told me that before we started!”Boris said, his voice getting higher the more he spoke.

Boris’s hand was still in Theo’s. Theo knew he should pull it away, he didn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea, but Boris’s hand was warm and he felt like an ice cube. That was the only reason he hadn’t dropped his hand as soon as he picked it up. They started walking again and Boris let Theo put both of their hands into his coat pocket. He could feel Boris gaze at him, he could tell there was a softness to the normally hard and playful glare, but Theo didn’t want to think about it. He was just cold. He knew if he wasn’t so emotionally compromised from whatever had been happening to him the past seven months he wouldn’t even entertain the idea of holding Boris’s hand. The sun was setting, lighting up the East River a brilliant orange and silhouetting lady liberty. He could feel Boris drag his thumb over Theo’s knuckles. They walked over the rest of the bridge in silence.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They take a taxi back to the apartment, but Boris makes them stop at a grocery store so he can get food he can cook, despite Theo saying that there’s food at home. They walk the block back and up the stairs and put both bags of groceries on the kitchen counter. Theo could tell Boris was cold- his nose and cheeks were pink and his hands looked rough from the exposure to the constant wind. He imagines he looked similarly, it had to be at least ten below freezing and they had been outside all day.

“So what exactly are you planning to do with all this food?” Theo asked

“I am going to cook something, what else?’ Boris replied, throwing a bushel of parsley at Theo’s head. “Please tell me you have a pot.”

“Uhhhmmm” Theo looked around and started opening some cabinets.

“Potter! You do not know what pans you have?!” Boris accused, his voice teasing.

“Okay, I don’t really cook that much, Jesus, I normally just order food”

Boris looked at him like he had three heads and then shook his own head, showing how disappointed he was in Theo.

“You used to have to know how to cook! That old man spoils you too much, huh?’ Boris said, but he was smiling and glancing at Theo out of the corner of his eye while he unpacked the food from the bags.

“I was going to cook for you, but now I am not so sure...You will have to help me. Maybe I can teach you something.”

The tone of Boris’s voice was light, flirty. Theo felt his stomach knot and his cheeks blush. He was not thinking of that. Nope. And it’s definitely not what Boris meant even though Theo was currently pretending not to notice Boris’s gaze lingering on him. He cleared his throat.

“Sure. I should probably start cooking again anyway.”

Boris was making some kind of soup that he would not tell Theo the name of. It didn’t matter, Theo thought, as he prepped some of the food. Boris was having him cut up everything he needed for the soup. It was a monotonous, boring work, but it was easy to do and soon Theo fell into a rhythm. It was almost meditative for him and he became so relaxed he almost forgot Boris was there. Boris, who was behind him by the stove, was making a broth and humming softly. The tension Theo always kept in his shoulders melted and he made himself unfurrow his brow. He had never cooked consistently enough to know if he liked it, but Theo assumed that he must. It was why he felt so relaxed and calm. He became more aware of Boris, but he wasn’t an unwelcome presence, Theo just moved to the side whenever he sensed him coming closer to pick up the veggies that he was cutting. It was nice. Maybe he should cook more.

The soup was delicious and theo told Boris as much.

“Thank you! I am glad you like it, Potter’ Boris beamed at Theo “It was a group effort, yes?”

“You did most of the work” Theo scoffed, raising his spoon back to his mouth.

They were sitting on the floor of the living room, the TV illuminating the otherwise dark room. They turned on a movie that they were only half paying attention to. Boris started making cracks about the acting in the movie and how terrible the dialogue was.

“I could do better than this’ he was saying between laughs “how hard could it be? You just say some lines, make a few jokes, maybe cry...I could do that”  
“Are you gonna try to be an actor now?” Theo laughed at the idea of Boris being in a movie

“Hey! Don’t laugh! I act all the time, for my own work, you know”

“What’s your work again? Not-a-drug-dealer?” Theo asked, still laughing.

Boris shoved him lightly and laughed.

“I am not a drug dealer, you are right!”

They continued their conversation, drowning out the movie with their laughs. Theo felt his ribs ache with how much he was laughing at all the stupid shit Boris was saying. He didn’t remember the last time he laughed so hard. Or actually, he did. He was sitting on the counter of Boris’s kitchen in Antwerp, eating soup. It seemed that whenever Boris came back into Theo’s orbit he brought mugs of soup and laughter with him. He always was trying to feed him.

They stayed up until both Boris and Theo were starting to yawn.

“We should go to bed before we fall asleep on the floor” Theo said, getting up and grabbing the dishes, offering a hand to Boris.

“Yes. I feel the jetlag setting in, makes me want to sleep for days” Boris said, grabbing Theo’s hand and using it to help himself up.

Theo dropped the mugs off in the sink and walked with Boris down the hall to his room, awkwardly pausing in front of his door.

“Uh, good night.’ Theo said, unsure of why it suddenly felt awkward “Sleep well.”

Boris smiled at him.

“Night Potter, I will see you tomorrow.”

Boris walked into Hobie’s room and pulled the door closed behind him. Theo turned and walked into his own room, wondering to himself if it was actually awkward or if he just felt awkward?  
Theo got undressed and pulled the covers back, crawling into bed and ignoring his sudden urge to do a line. He was slowly starting to get that it wasn’t doing anything for his nightmares. He decided that it wasn’t actually awkward and chalked it up to the fact that he knew he had been acting weird and he was only acting weird because he was sleep deprived and not because he was feeling vulnerable and emotional and any other word for damaged he could think of. Theo vaguely wondered why his feet were so cold and looked down at the end of his bed to see that Popchyk was not at his normal spot and Theo realized that he definitely went to Boris, to sleep with him. Bastard dog, Theo thinks fondly. He falls asleep.

Briefcase, bang, Boris, blood, bird. 

Theo woke up from the nightmare, confused, as he always was when he’s suddenly pushed from his dream world. He gasps for air and attempts to calm his heartbeat but fails. He’s barely aware of the door opening, but he feels his bed dip under Boris’s weight as he sits down and he feels Boris press him back down into his mattress. Boris’s hands were warm as he lightly rubbed Theo’s arm with one hand and held his neck with the other. He was laying down next to him now, both of them on their sides, facing each other. Theo had his eyes tightly shut and he focused on trying to translate the words that Boris whispered to him. 

“Shhh, Theo, is just me, shh...it’s okay…” Boris whispered.

Boris was tracing Theo’s face with the tip of his forefinger, trailing it up and down his cheekbone, behind his ear, down his jawline. Theo felt his heartbeat slow, could feel oxygen fill his chest again. Boris must have brought Popchyk into the room with him because he felt him curl up in the curve of his stomach. Theo had the arm that was under his body bent so that his fist was by his face and Boris grabbed onto it, a firm pressure. Theo opened his eyes.

Boris was looking at him, worry and concern and something else that Theo couldn’t quite pick up on were evident in his expression. Brows pressed together, eyes wide, lips slightly parted. Theo couldn’t take the weight of his gaze so he leaned slightly towards Boris and pressed their foreheads together. He could feel Boris’s breath.

“Is it the one from when we were kids?” Boris asked

“What?”

“The nightmare, Potter.” Boris’s voice was barely above a whisper now.

“Oh. No.’ Theo sighed, hesitating for just a second, “No...they’re about you now”

The air felt heavy. Theo heard Boris’s breath hitch. Boris moved closer to Theo, tangling his arms around his waist and moving Theo’s head so that it was pressed into his neck. Theo felt Boris’s fingers card through his hair. It was nice to be held. He counted Boris’s breaths, until he felt his own heartbeat fully calm down and go back to its rhythmic pace. Theo wondered if this is how he felt when he was fourteen and Boris would grab him and tell him it was alright, but he didn’t think so. When he was fourteen, everything felt sharp and burned- not hot like a fire, but scorching and raw like drinking bleach-even when Boris had tried his hardest to comfort him. It’s different now. He allows himself one dangerous thought. He thinks, if Boris was a fire he wouldn’t mind getting burned. He thinks he feels safe in the flames.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They wake up late the next day. Theo wakes up before Boris and does his best not to move, their bodies were still tangled and he didn’t want to wake him, especially after he interrupted his sleep. Theo thinks maybe Boris is actually awake, because he can feel his heartbeat pick up slightly but he doesn’t say anything. When Boris finally does wake up, Theo does what he does best and pretends like the night didn’t happen. It was slightly trickier than when they were kids because he didn’t have all the drugs and alcohol to blame for his faulty memory but Boris let him get away with it.

The next couple of days followed in much the same pattern. Breakfast, walking, wandering around the city, watching shitty movies. The only difference was that at night Boris didn’t even bother pretending like he was going to sleep in his room. He just got up with Theo and followed him into his bed with a look that said ‘yes I am staying with you, say nothing or I will kill you’ and Theo found it hard to argue with that. And also Theo wanted him there, which was much harder for him to admit, but he managed to say it to himself once and that was more than enough.

Theo still felt disoriented from his lack of sleep and excessive travel and his overuse and then sudden cut off of drugs. He still felt like crying a lot more than he ever had in his life. He felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed by his sudden emotional-ness and his neediness. But he knew that he felt better knowing where Boris was and that he was safe, in his bed. Theo felt better knowing that if he had to kill for Boris again, he would be right there, not in a different room, or city, or country. And, logically, he knew nothing was going to happen and he knew that Boris was capable of protecting himself if he needed and that thinking he was going to have to kill again was irrational, but he couldn’t help it. Having Boris close helped keep his anxiety from climbing.

Theo wasn’t sure what Boris got out of this, though. He knew it was something, especially by the way he held onto Theo, his grip protective and firm. Theo thought maybe Boris had similar nightmares, but if he did Theo didn’t know about it. 

It was easy to let Boris into his bed again, to let him hold him. It was easier to fall asleep and way easier to stay sleep knowing that Boris was right there. It was the best sleep he had since he stayed in Boris’s apartment in Antwerp.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Wednesday, Boris suggested that they go out.

“I know a place- different from the last one we went to- it will be fun” Boris said it like a statement, but Theo knew he was waiting for him to answer.

“I don’t know, a Wednesday night? Will anyone even be out, might be strange to be the only people at the bar?” Theo conveniently left out that he was trying hard to cut back on his drug intake. Theo also realized then that the only thing he was Boris take since he’s been here was a few shots of vodka. He face must have given away that realization.

“Yes, I have been cutting back, Potter’ Boris rolled his eyes “And do not think I haven’t noticed you have too”

Theo knew that there was no way that Boris wasn’t still using coke and smoking weed and drinking vodka on a semi-regular basis, but that was, in fact, less than the last time he saw him, when he was using hard drugs everyday. Theo isn’t judging, especially not after looking back at his own intake in the past seven months. He wondered if Boris did so many drugs because he had easy access to them, thought, briefly, if it was expected for dealers to also do drugs or if it was a bad business plan. He’d have to ask Boris sometime.

Theo did want to go out, and he figured he could stick to weed and vodka and the idea of a pleasant buzz made him smile.

“Yeah, let’s go out.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris took them to a club in Brighton Beach, but it wasn’t the same one from last time. This one was smaller, but obviously nicer. Someone had put good money into it and it paid off, even on a Wednesday, it was packed.

They came in through the back door, Boris ignoring Theo’s constant ‘Can we do this, I don’t think we can do this.’ He lead them down a hall and into a section that was roped off and wasn’t nearly as crowded as the rest of the club. They sat down at an empty table and as soon as one of the bouncers standing by the rope saw Boris, he fixed his posture and nodded at him.

“You’ve been here before?” Theo asked, nodding at the bouncer to indicate his strange behavior.

“Yes. A few times. Nice to see it doing well.’ Boris was smiling at Theo looking around at his surroundings. “I will be right back. Need to walk with someone. Work stuff.” He explained, and went up to the bouncer who then walked with him through a door marked ‘private’. Theo walked over to the bar and ordered vodka for the both of them and went back to the table to wait for Boris, who came back out shortly after Theo sat back down.

“Sorry, just needed to check on something.”

“You’re never going to actually tell me anything about what you do, are you?” Theo asked, his voice light so that Boris wouldn’t think he was really upset by this.

“Is better like this. I do not want to worry you’ Boris said with a smile, “you are too nervous of a person”

Theo was going to interrupt but Boris raised his glass, so Theo raised his and they knocked back a shot and the conversation faded away into the night.

The night passed quickly. They stayed at the club (that Theo finally realized Boris owned) and then took a car to a bar that was closer to the apartment. They mainly drank and smoked weed, that Boris happily supplied. He did offer Theo a line, which he took, but that was it. It was pretty tame for them. Theo wondered if Boris was doing this for his sake, or if he really was trying to cut back. Either way, Theo felt pleasantly cross faded as they stumbled into the apartment.

Boris was the more sober of the two of them, so he set about making tea, as he always does whenever he spends a night out. Theo was giggling at something and Boris was laughing at him. 

“You really have been cutting back, huh, Potter? We have done half the amount of what we normally would and you are shit-faced!”

“I am not shit-faced! I am...tipsy, yes.’ Theo admitted. Boris shot him a look. “Okay, maybe I’m more than tipsy, but I’m not shit-faced”

He sat down on the couch and Boris handed him a mug and ran his hand through Theo’s hair before sitting down himself. He was sipping from his own mug and smiling at Theo.

“What?” Theo demanded

“Nothing”

They both finished their tea in relative silence, except for Boris’s occasional jab at Theo being a lightweight now and both of their laughter.

“Come, let’s go to bed” Boris said, wrapping his fingers around Theo’s wrist, and leading him to their room.

Theo went without protest and let Boris lead him to the bed where he sat him down and started getting him undressed. Theo knew that he could do it on his own, he wasn’t that drunk, but he let Boris do it anyway. He was gentle and slow and his hands felt warm and it made Theo sleepy. When Boris pulled his pants off of his legs, he stroked his thumb over a scar that Theo has on his calf and it made him break out in goosebumps. He could sense Boris smirking, but he was too tired to care, to tell him to shut up like he always does. Boris pulled his own clothes off, leaving a tee shirt on, and climbed into bed. He laid beside Theo and stared at him, and Theo- in his inebriated state- lifted a hand up and started to trace the scars on Boris’s face.

Theo forgets that Boris is like, a criminal that people are scared of, because to Theo he’s just someone that feeds him and makes him feel warm. Which is a thought that Theo would normally bat away with drugs and repression but he welcomes it in his sleepy, tipsy state. And, apparently, Boris welcomes it too, because he was laughing. Theo’s face felt like it was on fire and he felt a touch of shame in his gut, a familiar feeling to Theo, but most of the time there were no witnesses. He welcomed the thought, but did not realize he said it out loud.

“Not many people are scared of me Potter, I think I am pretty reasonable” Boris said.

“Right” He grumbled, still embarrassed, and went back to running a finger over Boris’s scars.

He wondered how many times Boris had just barely escaped death, but didn’t let himself dwell on it, and he wound up falling asleep with Boris’s pulse underneath his fingers. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theo woke up in a bad mood, feeling anxious, and both of these things were only amplified by his hangover. He had been short with Boris all day and he could tell that he was starting to get annoyed with him, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t get his heartbeat to relax and Boris was leaving in two days and all the time in the world suddenly didn’t feel like enough. Of course he didn’t tell Boris this and he knew it wasn’t normal to feel so anxious about people leaving, but when people left Theo, a lot of the time they never came back. 

They were in the living room eating and watching a movie when Theo said something snarky and Boris finally snapped at him instead of just joking with him.

“What is with you? You have been like this all day! Surely a little hangover cannot have you in this much of a bad mood”

“Nothing. I’m fine. Whatever.” Theo couldn’t explain what he was feeling and he certainly wasn’t going to try to explain himself to Boris.

“No, not ‘whatever’ Potter, I leave in two days and this is how you want to spend our last days together”

“Of course not, Boris! I know you’re leaving, no need to remind me. Thanks.” Theo knew it was unfair, he knew that Boris couldn’t stay. It’s not that he wanted him to stay anyway. Or whatever, maybe he did, it didn’t matter though, because he was leaving either way. He guessed that Boris picked up on the fact that this was partly why he was in a mood.

“It’s not like I won’t see you again, Theo” He said, he shoulders softening a bit.

“You don’t know that”

“No I do not have a crystal ball, but I will come back if I am not dead!” Boris was starting to get exasperated.

Theo could feel anger starting to boil in his chest. Why did he always get so worked up about Boris and being alone?

“That’s my point Boris! It’s not like you regularly answer your phone, how would I even know if you were?” Theo’s voice was raised.

“ I am not going to die, Theo. I know you think I will fall in the streets if you turn your back but I won’t. I know you pretty well Potter I-”

In a moment of bitterness and an intense need to self-sabotage Theo cuts off Boris by saying one of the cruelest things he could have said to him.

“You don’t know me.” 

It was out of his mouth before he could stop himself and he regretted it immediately. He tried to see if there was a way for him to swallow the words back into his mouth, to put out the burning of of intense shame in his gut. Boris knew him, he knew Boris knew him.

He looked up from his feet to look at Boris. The least he could do was face him. He had to look up because Boris had stood up and he was staring down at Theo. He was angry, furious, and Theo had never seen Boris look like this before. His face was a storm.

“We both know that is a lie.’ His voice was soft, it sounded calm even, but Theo knew he was angry “I know you blind, Theo. I know you so well I can tell you things about yourself you do not even know yet. I know every secret you hide, even the ones you hide from yourself. I know why you run from every feeling. I know that you forget to eat, I know that you can’t sleep. I know what you feel like, what you sound like. I know how to hold you when you wake up gasping. I know I am the only one that ever has.’ Boris took a step closer and held Theo’s chin up so that he couldn’t look away. “The only reason I do not know you more is because you will not let me. I know all of this and still I am here on purpose Theo. I am here because I know you. I do this for no one else”

Theo thinks he finally understands the meaning of holy rage. He has managed to unlock a fury in Boris he has never seen before and it was because he insulted his devotion to him.

Theo felt his vision swim, felt the shame in his gut double and triple and felt his face burn under the intensity of Boris’s gaze and the pressure of his hand. Theo closed his eyes and said what he was thinking- just one word.

“Holy…”

He hears Boris’s breath catch.

“ I am not holy. But I worship when I can.”

And with that Boris pressed their mouths together.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theo wishes he could have been the one brave enough to do it, but he wasn’t even brave enough to admit his feelings for Boris to himself, let alone do anything about it. Boris had told Theo he wasn’t a coward once. He continued to prove himself right.

Boris tasted like black tea and weed and cinnamon toothpaste and Theo was lost in it. Boris nudged his tongue against Theo’s bottom lip to get him to open his mouth and he did so, easily. He knew he was about to let Boris have whatever he asked for- it was an apology, an admission, and a selfish act- all rolled into one. He knew he would not ask for what he wanted so he just hoped and prayed that Boris would ask for him.

Boris pulled Theo up from the couch and lead him to the bedroom and didn’t stop until he had Theo laying down on their bed. He was on his knees, above him, straddling Theo’s legs and he bent down to kiss Theo again.

“Tell me you do not want this and I will stop, Theo, but please do not lie to me” Boris’s voice still held anger but it was laced with something that sounded a lot like pleading.

Theo felt the shame of his desire, but it was swallowed whole by the shame of what he had said to Boris. It didn’t matter what version of his shame he was acting on, because they both wanted the same thing. Boris, Boris, Boris. 

“Yes. I- Yes, I want this.”

Boris kissed him again, slowly, slower than any other time Theo had been kissed. He had one of his hands on Theo’s neck and the other was stopping him from losing his balance over Theo. Theo’s had one of his hands around the wrist by his neck and the other one loosely had his fingers hanging from the waistband of Boris’s pants.

Boris helped Theo sit up on the bed and then he started unbuttoning his shirt. He was slow with that too. Theo was leaning back on his hands, letting Boris go as slow as he liked. It was good for Theo, going slow, his anxiety stayed at a manageable level that way, though he was sure Boris could feel his heartbeat whenever he touched him. Boris was tracing his finger down the skin that exposed at every button. It was reverent, Theo knew he didn’t deserve it. Boris finished and tossed the shirt off the bed and then laid Theo back down and started pulling off his pants. There weren’t so many buttons this time and his pants were off much quicker than his shirt. 

Boris rubbed his thighs, careful fingers brushed under his knees, which made him shiver, and his thumbs pressed into the bottom of Theo’s feet. He did this a few times and Theo felt himself growing harder each time. Boris placed his fingers under the waistband of his briefs but Theo told him to stop before he could pull them down.

“Changed your mind?” Boris asked, his voice slightly rough.

“No just- I -” Theo was trying to voice his want, but he found it difficult and just moved his hands to Boris’s shirt.

“Ohh”

Boris shed his tee shirt dropping it on the floor. Theo stared, mouth agape, at Boris’s torso. This was his first time seeing it since they were kids and he had more than a few scars from his career as a criminal. 

“Is nothing, Potter, I am okay.” Boris said, before Theo could even say anything.

He knew Boris would hate Theo’s excessive questions and worries so he just leaned up and kissed Boris’s neck and then sat back down and traced his fingers over the scars. There was one by his hip bone, that was deep, and he pulled Boris up so that he could kiss it. And then Boris was already there so he kissed all of them, trying to put some semblance of kindness into where he had been hurt. Boris had a hand in his hair while he did this.  
When Theo was done, he pulled Boris’s pants down and let him do the rest. He let Boris take off his briefs and throw them on the floor. 

Boris gazed at his body, tenderness seeping into his eyes. He stared and stared and Theo felt like he was on fire but he forced himself to look back.

“What now?” Theo didn’t recognize the sound of his own voice when he spoke, his words fluttered softly in the air between them.

“Whatever you will let me. Whatever you want.”

Theo wasn’t even sure what to ask for. He knew he wanted to feel Boris, knew he wanted to give. He moved his hand down and inside the band of Boris’s boxers and wrapped his fingers around him. He heard Boris faintly sigh.

“Is this okay?”

“Yesss..” Boris dragged out the word through his teeth.

Theo started to move his hand up and down but Boris stopped him so he could take his boxers off and throw them off the bed. Theo went back to moving his hand up and down, slowly at first, and then he quickened his pace, motivated by the twitch he felt in his fingertips.

“Theo.’ Boris whispered in his ear and snaked his finger around his wrist to get him to stop again, “Lay down please.”

“But you didn’t- you-” Theo’s protests were weak as Boris gently pushed him down.

“It’s okay Theo, it’s okay”

Boris pushed his knees apart and kneeled between them and bent forward. Theo bit his tongue when Boris licked him on the inside of his thigh, so, so close to where he really wanted him. He peppered his hips with kisses and then grabbed the base of Theo’s cock and licked the head and then sunk down to the base. Theo’s world tilted, his mouth felt dry but Boris’s felt like velvet as he moved his head up and down. Boris pulled off and pressed his tongue flat against him, pushing against a bundle of nerves and Theo moaned. Boris looked up at him and he sank back down and Theo was done.

“I’m gonna- Boris, I,” Theo tried to warn him and Boris didn’t stop moving until he finished coming and then he pulled off.

Boris moved back up to Theo and kissed him. It was bliss, endorphins shooting through his body and he shook a little from the intensity of it. He pressed his forehead against Boris’s and he felt Boris, hard, against his hip.

“What about you?”

“It’s okay, I do not need to” Boris said.

Theo knew it was bullshit and he wanted Boris to feel good, he wanted to be why Boris felt good.

“What if I asked for it?” Theo asked him

“Then I would say ‘okay’”

“This is me asking”

Boris smiled.

“Okay’ Boris kissed his jaw “Turn on your side”

Theo did what he was told. He let Boris move him as he needed so that he was on his side, facing him.

“One second” Boris said, getting up and walking over to his bag. He grabbed a small bottle and laid back down. 

He poured some of the lube over his finger and reached around Theo’s back to press at his entrance. Theo closed his eyes at the unfamiliar sensation, he tried his best to listen to Boris as he told his to relax and he focused on him stroking his brow bone instead. He eventually let himself relax enough so that Boris could add a second, then a third. It becomes less uncomfortable and Theo starts to get hard again. He nuzzles his face into Boris’s neck.

“I’m okay, Boris, I don’t need anymore”

“I do not want to hurt you, are you sure?”  
Theo felt the vibrations of Boris’s voice and thought for a second.

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

“Okay”

Boris slowly pulled his fingers out and moved Theo so he was on his back and Boris was over him. He kissed Theo and was saying something in russian as he pushed into him. He was gentle and clearly holding back because he was starting to shake from the effort of going so slow. Boris sighed when their hips met.

Neither of them moved for a long time and Theo started to relax. Boris started to pull his hips back, searching Theo’s face for any sign of discomfort, and sped up his movements when he saw that there was none. Theo felt all his nerves on fire as Boris moved he heard Boris murmuring something in russian again.

“Spasibo, spasibo, spasibo…”

Thank you. He was saying thank you. It sounded like prayer. Theo could feel Boris’s rhythm stutter and knew he was close. 

“Boris. C’mon, Boris, it’s okay” Theo said, pulling him closer, and that was all it took.

Boris came with a shudder and Theo wrapped his legs around him as he collapsed on top of him. It wasn’t often he got to do something for Boris so he let him lay there and he stroked his back and gripped his hair and whispered soothing things to him. He was surprised at how natural it felt and then at how tight his chest felt. He realized that he had never done this for anyone. Ever. Fuck. He wondered if this was what love was. Feeling an uncontrollable urge to hold someone, to make sure they’re safe. Why did he let himself bury this feeling? 

Boris was moving. He lifted himself off of Theo and bent down to kiss his forehead, promising to be back as he walked out of the room. He came back with a damp washcloth and sat back down to wash Theo. Theo was so surprised by the gesture, so caught off guard. That was why he suddenly had a lump in his throat and felt his eyes water. He tried to stop himself from actually crying but it was too late and tears were falling down his cheeks. Boris looked up when he heard Theo’s breathing become strange and irregular. He immediately dropped the washcloth and held Theo’s face instead.

“What is wrong, Potter? I should have stopped, I knew you would regret this, I am sorry. I’ll go” Boris was rambling

“No. No I don’t regret it’ Theo was trying to get his tears under control but couldn’t seem to stop them “So fucking stupid” He said to himself, wiping his tears.

Boris looked relieved.

“What then? Can I do something?”

That almost made Theo cry harder, and he looked at Boris.

“No, no. I just-I -” Theo wasn’t sure what he was trying to say, because he wasn’t sure why the fuck he was crying anyway, but his mind helpfully supplied a few words that made his heart ache. Oh, he thought, that is it. Boris waited until his tears slowed down and Theo felt he could try again.

Theo knew it was his turn to not be a coward. He knew now that he had the words he needed, he had to say them, would never forgive himself if he let it go unsaid again, like back in Vegas. He took a breath.

“Boris, I-’ He hesitated and Boris looked at him, wonder in his eyes “I love you.” 

Relief flooded his system and Boris looked at him like he just told him every secret the universe had to offer. He didn’t need Boris to say it back to him because if there was one truth in the world it was that Boris loved Theo. Theo built his world on this fact, he knew it in his bones. Boris had just been waiting for him. For more than a fucking decade, he thought.

Theo didn’t know what to do now but Boris did so it didn’t matter. He wrapped his arms around Theo and Theo did the same.

“You know me too, Theo. I love you too”

Theo laughed into Boris’s neck.

“I don’t even know what you do, Boris”

All of the tension in their bodies left and they laughed and laughed and Boris said ‘work for me’ like he does whenever he sees Theo and Theo tells him ‘only on weekends’ and it’s good enough. It’s so good.

They fall asleep tangled up in each other, the moon peeking through the window, checking in on them.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so there were two versions of this but i deleted the older one...bc i was like this is bad. but im leaving this one!! thank u all my tumblr is the same name god bless


End file.
